i'm 20 now

I'm 20 now, and i find that the majority of my life has already been decided on, and i have no one to blame. the person who did all the deciding doesn't exist anymore. she was afraid and confused when she determined my life for me, and i understand that. but what i can't understand is how she was given the opportunity to make all of these decisions. from what i can remember of her, no one took her very seriously. she was moody, confused and her responsibilities were conditional. so how is it that she was able to shape my future but she couldn't have a boy in her room. how could she have gotten away with this when she was so limited. that must have been the most confusing part for her too.

although, maybe her confusion wasn't the chicken, maybe it was the egg. the common understanding is that teenagers are treated inconsistently because they act inconsistently. children are consistent. children need to be taken care of. children don't have the power to order what the want for dinner, and the sure as shit don't have the power to alter their future lives. what changed between grade school graduation and puberty?

when i turned 13 i suddenly had responsibilities. and these responsibilities were a reason for people to stop trusting me. so maybe as a teenager, i was inconsistent because i was being treated inconsistently.

the winter of the year i was 15 i wanted four children. i knew what i would name them. all i wanted was to be a mother someday. i didn't keep it to myself, it was something i was proud of. it was the kind of thing that made people say aww when they heard it. it was the kind of thing that seemed innocent and selfless. no one ever said, 'kids are hard work'. no one ever said, 'four is an awful lot'. no one ever said, 'why don't you just wait and see where life takes you?'.

in June of the year i was 15, my grandmother fell in the tub. she was hospitalized for two months. she passed away in august. i watched my 2 1/2 year old cousin six days a week for almost 6 hours a day for those two months. i did it for my mother and my aunt. while i watched the baby, and they were able to spend that time with their mother. after one month my cousin started getting confused and calling me mommy. by the second month i realized that i wasn't cut out to take care of children.

I'm 20 now and have developed into one of those women who would rather have dogs, sex and a career instead of kids. I'm planning on getting my tubes tied, but i have to do it without anyone knowing. it's the kind of thing that seems cruel and selfish. when i tell people i don't want kids, they just say, 'why don't you just wait and see where life takes you?'.

when i was 16 i went to the DMV to take my road test. after about an hour i walked away with my driver's permit. i was seen as responsible, coordinated, and an adult. society had deemed me worthy of controlling my very own 2000 pound flying death machine.

when i was 16 i went to the drug store for some hair dye. after about an hour, i was a red head. i was seen as irresponsible, rebellious and immature. i was obviously acting out for attention. if taking risks like this became the norm, i would have a nose ring next, and then, surely by the end of the year, i would be dead.

I'm 20 now and i don't drive. i don't like cars and a prefer to walk anyway. i don't feel comfortable behind the wheel, and i figured that out before i hurt myself or someone else. I'm also back to my natural hair color. i wasn't comfortable as a red head either, but i wasn't doing any damage.


when i was 17 i never forgot to use a condom. when my mother caught me and my boyfriend having sex i wasn't allowed to see him anymore. i didn't know anything about love, or my body, or what i actually wanted. a friend of mine got pregnant though. her parents supported her, her boyfriend moved in with her, and she got to finish high school while everyone else raised her baby. it wasn't an ideal situation, but her parents tried to see the good.

when i was 17 i forgot to call home. so i wasn't allowed to go out for a month and my phone was taken away. i abused a privilege. i wasn't in any danger, i wasn't out smoking crack, but my phone was dead and it was embarrassing to have to borrow someone else's to call home. but parents assume the worst.


when i was 18 i was asked to make the biggest decision of my life. i chose a college and a subsequent career path. something that would determine and at times limit my very existence. as an 18 year old, it was excepted that i had the foresight, the wisdom and the sensibility to make a decision that i would have to live with the rest of my life. no one questioned me and everyone respected my decision.

when i was 18 i wanted a tattoo. i was warned that i would have that tattoo forever. it was an impossibility that i had the foresight, the wisdom and the sensibility to make a decision that i would have to live with the rest of my life.

I'm 20 now. i still want that tattoo, but as my education is coming to an end, the idea of being released into a romanticized industry that i jumped into three years ago scares the hell out of me. but what choice do i have. i put myself here and now i have to make the best of it. and how wrong could i have been, looking back i actually have a pretty good track record.

the only thing I've actually learned from being a teenager is that no one trusts you and that's okay. but if you don't trust yourself then you're screwed. i haven't learned how to make "better" choices, but i have learned which choices are unacceptable. i haven't decided what i want to do with my life, but i have decided to stick with the path I'm on. i don't think that making drastic changes to my lifestyle is immature, but i do think that a more gradual evolution can usually be mistaken for maturing. i just hope that when I'm thirty i still like my tattoo.

i quit my job?

yes, i did. i don't know why i asked, i knew the answer.

I'm pretty blissfully unemployed.

there is now substantially less on my plate, but I'm not changing the header cause I'm stubborn.

although I've still got
school
commuting
homework
boyfriend
volunteering
learning Spanish
and sleeping

so I'm not like, bored unemployed. although i do miss work.


the boyfriend comes home for the summer in like, three weeks. can't wait

i bought a really awesome old fashioned picnic basket and shall pack him picnics all summer long. it'll be adorable.

i bought it in a basket store in Chelsea Market. I've been looking for a Wizard of Oz style picnic basket for almost a year. I'm glad it finally occurred to me to look in an effing basket store.

also amusing, i was the only person in the basket store interested in baskets. they sold candy and chocolates and little spoons made of solidified honey for your tea. it was lovely and I'll be going back before Christmas.


aaaand i just took my serve safe liquor certification test. I'm almost sure i passed and will have a new line to add to my resume in about a week.

I'm probably gonna run this town.

just saying.

five days

the last five days of my life have been the most hectic days that i have ever known.

Friday i worked, Saturday i worked a double and saw the boyfriend. Sunday i worked and saw the boyfriend.

...notice all the space i left for sleeping...

I'm so dumb.

Monday i schlepped my ass all the way to 116 street (Manhattan) where i got lost on the train and cried a little bit. the 456 subway line is not my favorite. but, once i finally got where i was going, i took my food handler's licence test, and i didn't just pass it. i passed it a lot. 96%.

i am still collecting high fives for that.

Tuesday i worked all morning and by the time i got to school that night i was a destroyed sleep deprived mess. it was weird, i barely remember it.

scattered throughout my weekend i got offered a new part time job. the hours are really flexible so i can do it with my internship and school. some girls i work with started throwing parties for beauty control and they asked me to help. it's really good money and i think I'll show up to every party with a hostess gift, some cupcakes and a business card.

i have this sick idea of printing the words, 'ulterior motive' right across the top of the cake box, just in case it needed some clarifying.

a year ago the idea of baking things and then having people pay me for them terrified me. it was so far from what i wanted, but now i can't wait to start.

tomorrow shall be my first day off in a little over a month. i am so excited. nothing to do, time to clean, and update my resume, and do some homework that has been being neglected in the name of the health department's test, and don't tell him this, but perhaps I'll walk my dog. hooray!

santa weekend?

south street seaport
over run with holiday spirit
fueled by beer